[Because If I Don't Get This Down Somewhere, I May Explode]

Mon, 14 May 2007 03:19:43 GMT

For anyone that comes across this journal, it isn't my usual journal. I have numerous others. I had never intended to even write in this one at all. But right now, I'm just... not feeling well, and if I don't get my thoughts out somewhere, I'll just make myself crazy.

I don't feel like I was made for love.

It isn't that... I am inherently unlovable, or that I am incapable of loving. I just have never felt that I was made for romantic love. I believe that everyone has a soulmate, and somewhere they belong, and someone they belong with. But I've never seen myself with anyone. I never imagined myself falling in love, getting married, going on dates, any of it. Maybe I'm just asexual or something.

The truth is that it scares me. Letting yourself open up so much to one person terrifies me to my very core, because I have so many horrible qualities, and I am really a very boring and unextraordinary person. I don't find anything in myself to really be attractive. And more than that, I do admittedly lack some faith in how good love really is for anyone. I've watched too much heartbreak, too much emotional abuse, too many problems in general suffered in the name of love. It scares me.

I cannot imagine opening myself up to someone, and then having them betray me. Having them belittle me, or leave me without a word, or just become indifferent. I think the indifference would be the most painful. There's this line in a Fall Out Boy song, The Pros and Cons of Breathing, that says "I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel", and that line has just always struck with me.

I feel invisible to the world a good deal of the time. I'm not even a blip on anyone's radar. I'm inconsequential. And people can tell me differently, and on some level I do know better, but I never seem to feel better.

I want to fade into the crowd and fade away, but I want it to be with a flash and a bang, like the old time magicians, where everyone screamed and shrieked when he was gone, and then applauded when he returned and went on with their lives like nothing happened. I want to matter and I want to be invisible all at once. I want to be one or the other, either non-existant so I'm no longer ignored, or praised and hailed, maybe even loathed and mocked, but at least seen. I want to be a part of the world outside my door.

I think I just want to live. I'm just too afraid to take that step out. I've always been afraid of new things. I'm eager and desperate and terrified and hesitant all at once.

I think sometimes I'm just mad.

Nell

[Because If I Don't Get This Down Somewhere, I May Explode]